Category Archives: family

by | March 10, 2013 · 12:00 am

Hey, That Feminist Gave Me Back My Lance — Chivalry Part 4


English: A boy helping a girl over a creek.

English: A boy helping a girl over a creek. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This article is about chivalry and feminism. However, before I get to that point I want to talk briefly about people’s views, in general, and about feminism.

Take any view on any subject and you will find extremist views on both sides of that topic. It is also true that those with the most extreme views are usually the loudest, and therefore get the most coverage by the media.

I am of the opinion that every person, regardless of their similarities or differences to other people, should have the opportunity to go as far as they are capable of and should be compensated based on those skills and equally with others who possess similar skills. I also believe that all people, by nature of being human, are due a certain minimum amount of respect.

This does not always happen. I once worked for a company where employees could be fired for discussing their compensation with other employees. They would calculate what each person would most likely accept as the lowest offer, knock 10% to 20% off that to give you negotiating room, and give you that offer. They wanted to pay the rock bottom price for each employee. If you had a good job you were willing to leave, you might not do too bad. If you were currently unemployed, they took advantage of that. If you believe a woman should have the opportunity to excel based on her abilities and be compensated fairly for her skills, I do not consider that feminism, I consider it common sense, and I do not consider myself a feminist.

So, on to the extremes for a moment. There are those feminist that are on the extreme, and I was not surprised by their response to chivalry. These are the some of the same feminists that say “all men are potential rapists.” The same feminists who seem to take great joy in attacking anything masculine that men are doing, unless of course a feminists is doing it (then it’s a good thing, and they don’t see anything contradictory about this attitude, so much for equality). I’ll give you one quote from this group. But, this is not what today’s article is about. As you know I prefer to look at the positive, we already have enough negative in this world of ours. And so today I am applauding feminists. Not the extremists that appear to be men haters. Nope I am applauding the feminists who believe in equal opportunity and equal pay for equal work AND who also believe in chivalry.

I have read several articles that proclaim in their titles and their content that feminists have killed chivalry. I say feminists may be the key to brining back chivalry. But, before I go there, here is one from the opposition.

This is from a female college student who calls herself Pixie.

“Feminism killed chivalry. Its our fault girls, that men don’t behave like men anymore. Good job.

wORLD WITHOUT chivlry? But …who will open doors?Who pull out chairs??!?! Who will joust 4 my honor????Women r truly lost wow it is a sad day in merica.” Punctuation, spelling and grammar is Pixie’s, italics are mine. Here’s her website.

Oh, just so you know, there are also MRA’s (that’s “men’s rights activists” in the activist’s jargon something I just learned … I’m not one of these either) who agree with the extremist feminists. Personally, I think those MRA’s are just cheap and lazy, but that is my opinion.

There was also a study (from the University of Florida) that proclaimed all chivalry benevolent sexism. Open a door for a woman, even if you just did that because you got there first, and it is benevolent sexism. Pretty much if a man does something that anyone could call chivalry, even if that is not why he did it, it is benevolent sexism. Of course, we must all work diligently to stamp out all forms of benevolent sexism. If it means stamping out chivalry, I’ll pass.

So why all this talk of chivalry lately? Wish I could take credit for it, but alas it’s not me. It wasn’t until I started to write the second article on this series that I decided, “Hey, I need to do a little web research.” I was shocked at how much I found and how recent it all was. Tracking backwards I discovered it all seems to have started with Ms. Emily Esfahani Smith and an article she wrote for “The Atlantic” , you can also find Ms. Smith’s work on the blog “Acculturated”. When Ms. Smith wrote that one article on chivalry it opened a flood of women blogging about chivalry. Jezebel did a good job of carrying the anti-chivalry flag, with other feminists joining in.

Ok, enough of that. I like positive. Now on to why I say feminists are saving chivalry. Many feminists are complaining about the loss of chivalry over the past few decades, and they want a return to chivalry. The 20 some-things of today do not date as “we did back in my day.” They just meet up someplace, usually with their friends around. Ms. Cheryl Yeoh, 29, does not do hook-ups or meet-ups. It’s only “traditional dating” (boy this makes me feel old) for her. She says “If he really wants you he has to put in some effort.” Here’s the article.

Next we go to Ms. Calla Kenney at “Breaking Away From Modern Feminism: Why This Woman is Leaving the Collective”, when you get there also read her “Terms and Definitions” tab, she does a great job of explaining herself, and has some suggested reading. Good job young lady (No insult intended, in my mind anyone young enough to be my kid is “young lady.”).

Then over at “Divine Caroline” I found this vlog from Lori Harfenist, a feminists who likes chivalry.

At “For Harriet” we find author Valerie Jean-Charles, a black feminist who is definitely a supporter of chivalry. Her article is “Feminism and Chivalry – A Case of Identity and Desire”. I specify “black feminist” because “For Harriet” is a community “celebrating the fullness of black womanhood.” Some of the other authors I quote from may be from a variety of races, they do not state their own race and I do not care what their race is (as some of my past girlfriends can attest too). I include Valerie’s race here because she stated it.

Valerie says, “…I love romance and the idea of building a life with someone. I love releasing the control I exhibit at work and in society within the confines of a relationship, and having a firm shoulder and strong arms to lean on and fall into. To many, I don’t necessarily fit the image of what the mainstream says a feminist should be because of my race, my socioeconomic status and most importantly my adoration of men — specifically, black men.

Feminism gives women the tools and space to speak, write, and argue about their need of equal representation in political, social, religious, and economic spheres of life. I love men opening doors, giving up their seats on public transportation, and pulling out chairs for me, as well as rising from the table when I do. Does this mean that I am complacent and weak without thoughts and ideas of my own? Of course not. …”

Ms. Chris Jordan at “Alpha Mom” gets the point across with humor ( a favorite of mine, humor is ALWAYS appreciated). Here’s her article “Has Feminism Killed Chivalry And Good Old Fashioned Manners?”

At “Gridlock Magazine” Suze Nowak supports feminism and chivalry by pointing out that Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, only she did it in high heels and backwards.

Jennifer Harper made her pint in the “Washington Times” with the results of a Harris poll and her analysis.

Last on this list (there were too many for me to list them all, but when you do a web search on the topic you’ll see what I mean) is feminists Samantha (Sam) Brett (at the “Sydney Morning Herald”), who starts out, in her article “Should Chivalry Be Stopped?”, by telling you in her first two sentences, “I am a feminist. I also like men to be chivalrous …”

I bristle at people who declare “all” actions by a group of people are “this or that.” Nothing in life is that definitive. If you sit down and talk with an Army division just returning from combat you will be surprised to find (after getting past the “sound bite” answers) that there are as many reasons those soldiers chose to go into combat as there are soldiers in the division. Any time I hear something like “all chivalry is benevolent sexism” I just don’t buy it. To me the intent behind action is just as important as the actions themselves. And the intent comes from the doer not from the receiver or an observer. Also, dare I say it, “the ends NEVER justifies the means.” Ok, maybe bold, caps, underlined, italics is a bit overdoing it, but you get my point.

I thank God for the many lessons my grandfather taught me, and wish he had been around to meet his granddaughter. However, my intentions are not all altruistic on this point. There is a little selfishness here too. How much more could I have learned from him had he lived past my 16th birthday. He did live long enough though to teach me that women are amazing, and the most powerful women are those women who are comfortable with their own femininity. Don’t believe me? Look at some of the most powerful men in history. Do a before and after look at them. Single, each one was exceptional, married each one was nearly unstoppable. The writings of John Adams could be more accurately signed “by John and Abigail Adams.” Without Abigail Adams, John’s monarchist tendencies would have relegated his thoughts and influence to the trash heap of his day. But with Abigail John’s monarchist tendencies were properly bridled. Rarely were his greatest ideas his and his alone. Those ideas usually came about through deep and often complicated political conversations, held in private, between Abigail and John. You should read their personal letters to each other. Both were intellectual giants.

Here’s another one for you. Does anyone think Bill Clinton would have become the political leader he became, without Hillary Clinton? Say what you want about the two of them, I am not getting into politics or definitions of femininity here. But Bill would have been perfectly happy to lead a much simpler life. A man can be strong on his own. A woman can be strong on her own. But, a couple is so much more versatile and powerful than either of them are alone.

Back to my grandfather. He taught me to respect women because they are so amazing, versatile, intelligent, and yes powerful. He taught me to honor and respect women, without expecting anything in return, because respect and honor should be a gift and you should never expect anything in return for a gift. So, I am going to continue to be chivalrous. I am also going to retrieve those chivalrous parts of my personality I abandoned because they were frowned upon. More than that, I am going to teach my daughter what chivalry means. I am also going to teach her that chivalry IS NOT just manners, and women do not become chivalrous by being polite to men. Chivalrous behavior on the part of men and women is different, one from the other, yet both are about respect.

Finally, I would like to say I happily aligned myself with feminists like Samantha Brett. On chivalry at least, we are in agreement. So to Sam I would like to say, “Thank you for giving me back my lance.”

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by | March 3, 2013 · 12:00 am

I Found My Lance — Chivalry Part 3


Waverly Plantation, Mississippi (Southern Hosp...

Waverly Plantation, Mississippi (Southern Hospitality) (Photo credit: Jody McNary Photography)

Southern Chivalry? Yes, Southern chivalry, or as Vic Dye defines it Southern hospitality (read my interview with Vic Dye here, use the password “vic”. This interview is available only through this article). Chivalry truly is about respect, something that is instilled in Southerners from the time they are learning how to crawl, and swipe all the breakables off the coffee table.

English: The southern United States, as define...

English: The southern United States, as defined by the United States Census Bureau. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

A map of the modern definition of the Southern...

A map of the modern definition of the Southern United States, Oklahoma red. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

When I grew up in the South respect was a universal thing, more so than to previous generations of Southerners. You showed respect to everyone, and people who did not, were frowned upon. What you did in your home was one thing, but in public (particularly in front of children), that was another. I can remember my father being upset with something someone said in public, even though I had heard him say the same thing at home. I grew up poor, and school busing in Florida did not start until I was entering third grade, before that you went to the nearest school. Until third grade, I went to Browning Pearce Elementary School Campus Two, where as a white boy I was in the minority. When northerners talk about racism in the South I reply, “I never saw a lot of that when I was growing up, all the other kids treated me just like everyone else, and they didn’t seem to mind that I was white.” Northerners think I am trying to make a not-so-funny joke, but I am not and this was how I grew up. Every adult (black or white) knew that if I was not behaving myself they were to paddle me, and then tell my dad, where upon he would paddle me again.

So, what are some of the ways that Southerners are chivalrous? Here are just some of the things I remember from my childhood:

  • “Please” and “Thank You”, every single time no matter what, no matter who. If you do not get what you want you say, “Well, thank you anyway.” If someone does something for you, “Thank you very much, I really appreciate that.” Also, “May I?”, “Your welcome.”, “Excuse me.” or “Pardon me.” If you don’t say these things, Southerners will silently question your upbringing (upbringing: Southern speak for how you were raised and what you family is like), thinking you do not know better and were not raised properly.
  • You always act with humility, putting others first. In the South the “golden rule” is still gold. Many shortcomings in a person’s personality will be overlooked if they know how to behave in public around other people.
  • If you are going to make a mistake, err on the side of being too nice.
  • Be friendly! Southerners wave to strangers with a heartfelt smile, and they mean it. Greet the people you come into contact with. If they respond with a few comments, then you answer them. Example: “Hi.” “Hi, beautiful day isn’t it?” “It sure is. You have a nice day.” “Thank you. You too.” “Thank you.”
  • Men always take their hats off when entering a building, during prayers, the national anthem, and when the flag passes in a procession (like a parade).
  • When walking on the sidewalk with women, men ALWAYS walk to the street side with women on the inside. This is a safety issue, though walking on the sidewalk today is safer than in years past, though from time to time we still hear of someone losing control of a car and hitting people on a sidewalk. This is also done in Europe, though for a different reason, in years past people threw their trash into the street through open windows and a pedestrian being hit near the street was not uncommon.
  • All females are referred to as “ladies”, whether you think that particular one is or not.
  • You always hold the door open for others.
  • Always conduct “small talk” with others, whether you know them or not.
  • Do not interrupt.
  • Always offer guests to you home food and drink.
  • Always respect elders.
  • Always look people in the eye when they say something to you, or you say something to them.
  • Always shake hands with a firm grip, not an overbearing painful one (men and women both).
  • When a major event happens to a family (death in the family, new baby, home from the hospital), you visit them and bring food, even if you stay just long enough to give them the food and convey your feelings on what has happened.
  • Stand by your family and friends.
  • Always welcome new neighbors. Yup, they are not being nosey, in the South this is polite and shows “good upbringing.”
  • When in doubt treat others the way you would want yourself and your loved ones to be treated.

A friend posted this on my wall at facebook. If you know who originally did this, please contact me.

In the South men always treat women with respect, carry heavy packages for them, pull out chairs for them, open doors for them. When a lady is in need of assistance you always offer her your hand. If the chairs or seats are all taken and a lady is standing, you stand. Even if the lady refuses your generosity you stand. In the South, a gentlemen never sits while a lady is standing. Also, when a lady enters or leaves a room, a gentleman stands. The things I said in my earlier article about women’s high-heeled shoes apply. Never speak bad about a lady to others, particularly in public. Yes, there are gossips in the South, but you will be held in high regard for refraining from talking bad about others or repeating disparaging rumors. When women are talking you give them your attention, maintain eye contact, do not interrupt, and listen attentively. All of the many gestures of chivalry most certainly apply these and more.

A chivalrous Southern woman does not yell in public and keeps her composure. Women who can say more, with fewer words are viewed as very intelligent and held in high regard (concise is good). Men and women who appear to use more words than are necessary are treated politely, but never enthusiastically (wordy is never good). There is wordy, about right, and concise, men get no points for concise or about right, and like women are avoided (when possible) if known to be wordy in their conversations with others.

Something “outsiders” always seem to miss is the understanding of  the phrase, “Well bless your/his/her heart …”. When a Southern woman starts a sentence with “Well, bless your heart …”, despite what it sounds like you are not about to empathized with, you are about to be, politely, told you are stupid. It may sound like a compliment, but make no doubt about it, that Southern lady just told you, you are “too stupid to pour pee out of a boot with the directions written on the bottom.” (This is not to be confused with the two expressions “Well bless you …” or “Well, bless my heart …”)

A Southern lady is a wonder to behold, they are far more capable, intelligent, cunning, loyal, and above all subtle, than most people realize, and certainly more so than Southern men. Poise, graciousness, subty, good manners, calm, these are the hallmarks of a Southern chivalrous lady. Chivalry for women in the South is not a matter of “do the same stuff men do for women, only you do it for men,” no. A chivalrous lady in the South truly does have the upper hand to all other people in any forum.

It is not possible to do this subject justice in under 1500 words, but you have an introduction. My best advice is to travel to a small or medium sized city in the South, find a good location and observe locals. You will learn more about Southerners in thirty minutes on a street corner than you ever could in a book.

One last thing. As a visitor to the South, you will not be held to the same standard Southerners hold each other too, “it just wouldn’t be polite.” Southerners know you are not a Southerner, but as long as you try to behave in a “Southern manner”, you will highly thought of and respected.

Part four will be on chivalry and feminism, and I hope you are surprised as I am.

Have a great day, and be chivalrous.

Joe

To learn more about the South and Southerners read the interview with Vic Dye and my Cup-O-Joe articles, particularly the article, “The Lesson.”

“Has Anyone Seen My Lance — Chivalry Part 1”

“Who Made This Lance Anyway? — Chivalry Part 2”

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by | February 27, 2013 · 12:00 am

Sunday’s Article … “I Found My Lance Chivalry Part 3”


English: A Palmetto Glade Near Palatka, Florida.

English: A Palmetto Glade Near Palatka, Florida. (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

This Sunday’s article will be from a Southern perspective. Mine. I am a Southerner who has spent 20 years in self-imposed exile. The first thing I learned about living in the north, is that there are plenty of people who treat you like you are stupid as soon as they find out you are a Southerner (not all northerners, just some). It does not matter how smart you are (my IQ is over 160) they still treat you like you are stupid. The first thing I did was work hard on losing the Southern accent (I didn’t know I had one until I moved north). Then I started to pull back on everything my family, neighbors, teachers, and other adults in Palatka, Florida taught me as a child growing up in the South, just so I would “fit in” with northerners.

There is a bible verse that says something to the effect “raise your child right and they will return to it when they are older.”

Official seal of Palatka, Florida

Official seal of Palatka, Florida (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

That is just what Palatka did, and I am returning too it. Of course, “you can take the Southerner out of the South, but you can never take ALL of the South out of the Southerner.” So, I didn’t hide from everything, and it will be easier for me to get back to who I am.

This Sunday’s article will be what that little Southern town taught me about being a man, and what my responsibilities are as man. In other words this Sunday’s article will be about Southern Chivalry.

Sunday Morning

Sunday Morning (Photo credit: jspaw)

So, until we meet Sunday, have a chivalrous day.

Joe

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by | December 16, 2012 · 12:00 am

I Believe


I believe, and not just because I have a 7-year-old daughter. I have always believed, even when I was a 40-year-old man who thought I would never have children I believed. Why do I believe? To explain, I need to tell a brief history of Santa Claus, and of course, any history of Santa Claus begins with a brief history of St. Nicholas. My rule on my website is no politics or religion. However, as Saint Nicholas was a Christian Bishop it is part of who he was, and as such, it is part of his story. This article is a brief history of Saint Nicholas / Santa Claus and makes no judgments for or against Christianity in keeping with my rule.

Nicholas was born in present day Turkey to wealthy Greek parents. Orphaned while a small boy he was raised by his uncle Nicholas. Uncle Nicholas was the bishop of Patara. As he grew older, our Nicholas became a priest under his uncle’s tutelage. On his uncle’s death, Father Nicholas became Bishop Nicholas. Religious icons are almost as old as Christianity, and play a part in some of the legends of Saint Nicholas. In the early days of Christianity the majority of people could not read or write, (priests were the exception to this). Icons are religious images created according to strict rules. Each saint’s icon has specific items in the image that identify that particular saint. In the case of Saint Nicholas, he holds a book in his left hand and in his right hand, he holds three purses, or three gold coins, or three balls of gold.

The book is a gospel. Saint Nicholas is considered a defender of the faith. At the Council of Nicaea, the Roman Emperor called all the leaders of Christianity together in an attempt to “standardize” the religion. There were two main groups within Christianity. The first and smaller group (called Gnostics) believed Jesus was a prophet who was then killed, executed, and buried. They also believed that the way to heaven was through a secret knowledge (Gnosticism). By learning this secret knowledge, people earned their way into heaven. They were the authors of the Gnostic gospels, often referred to as the “forbidden books of the bible”. The second group (which Nicholas was a member of) believed that Jesus was the son of God and rose from the dead, they also believed that no one could earn their way into heaven. This second group believed that people went to heaven only through the grace of God, because of the sacrifice of Jesus on the cross.

By now you are asking “Ok, but what does all of this have to do with Saint Nicholas?” When the leader of the Gnostics stood before the Emperor making the case for his side at the Council of Nicaea, Bishop Nicholas calmly walked to the front of the gathering and slapped the Gnostic leader across the mouth, while he was addressing the Emperor. The other Gnostics demanded that Bishop Nicholas immediately be put to death for striking a person in the presence of the Emperor (this was a Roman law). Bishop Nicholas was well liked by all who knew him and he was generous to the poor. Also, Emperor Constantine is believed to have favored Nicholas’ side over the Gnostics. The Emperor decided that Bishop Nicholas would be stripped of all his Bishop’s attire and symbols of his rank, and placed in a cell for the night while the Emperor decided his fate.

In the morning, when the guards went to get Bishop Nicholas, his cell door was opened, all of his Bishop’s vestments were returned, and he was kneeling in prayer. Nicholas’ supporters claimed that Jesus had freed him and the Virgin Mary had returned all of his vestments to him. Emperor Constantine declared that was enough for him he would not go against Jesus and Mary. He restored Nicholas as a bishop. After this, all traces of Gnosticism were removed from the accepted cannon and Gnosticism was outlawed. It is for this reason that icons of Nicholas show him with a book (a gospel) in his right hand.

The three pieces of gold in his other hand are a testament to his generosity to the poor. There was a man who had three daughters, but no dowry. At this time, a woman without a dowry could not marry and would most likely become a prostitute because this would be the only way she would be able to support herself. Bishop Nicholas on hearing of this man and his three daughters provided the dowry for each of the daughters. When each daughter became of age, he secretly made his way to the house at night. He then left a bag of gold coins for the young woman’s dowry. When it was the youngest daughter’s turn, her father decided to hide and see who the anonymous benefactor was. Bishop Nicholas wanted to keep his identity secret, and so tossed the bag of coins down the chimney where they fell in a pair of stockings the daughter had hung over the fireplace to dry.

A myth surrounding Saint Nicholas has him bringing three boys back to life after a butcher had killed them. This story most probably comes from illiterate people mistaking the three gold balls in his hand (in the icon) for three heads. The three gold balls have also been mistaken for three oranges. This is why in Holland it is believed that Sinterklaas comes from Spain. In the time before North America was explored, oranges were imported from Spain to Holland.

Bishop Nicholas spent the rest of his life in service to the church and spent the fortune he inherited from his parents helping the poor, particularly children. During his life, children were considered of no value, and a parent or guardian could do with children as he liked (woman ranked above only children at this time). Bishop Nicholas died on 6 December 343. Traditionally a saint’s feast day is the anniversary of his/her death (the day they enter heaven). In celebration of the feast day of Saint Nicholas gifts are given to children to honor Saint Nicholas. Bishop Nicholas’ reputation as a giver of gifts is the source for our Santa Claus or Father Christmas.

Father Christmas goes back more than 500 years in England, over time he merged with Saint Nicholas into the figure we know today as Santa Claus. The first use of the name Santa Claus goes back to the American colonies in 1773. Santa Claus is also mentioned in Washington Irving’s 1809 History of New York. Santa Claus is an Americanization of the Dutch name for Saint Nicholas, Sinterklaas.

Santa Claus as we know him today has evolved over the last 200 year. In 1821, in the poem Santeclaus he was described as an old man on a reindeer sleigh. Next came the poem A Visit from Saint Nicholas (known today as Twas the Night Before Christmas or The Night Before Christmas). This poem was published anonymously on 23 December 1823. Today it is attributed to Clement Clarke Moore, though some claim it was written by Henry Livingston Jr. (books and articles have been written on which of these men actually wrote the poem).

A Visit from Saint Nicholas gave us much of what we know today about Santa Claus, but that is for next week.

Nederlands: Sinterklaas tijdens het Het Feest ...

Nederlands: Sinterklaas tijdens het Het Feest van Sinterklaas (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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by | November 18, 2012 · 12:00 am

Skip to the Lou My Darling


I did something impulsive and silly last Sunday. I, a 50-year-old man, while walking down the wide center aisle of our local Target store, began skipping down the aisle. My daughter and I were there looking for supplies to create a Christmas cartoon. We were walking hand in hand when I just started skipping, and Elizabeth joined me. The two of us going back and forth:

“You’re copying me!”

“Nuh uh, you’re copying ME! I started skipping first,”

“Nuh uh, I did. I’m telling your Mama you were copying me when I take you back.”

“Nuh uh. I’m telling my mama you were copying ME.”

We found what we were looking for, paid for the purchase, and skipped out of the store, through the parking lot to our car; back and forth all the way about who was copying who. We received more than a few looks from other customers (and a few smiles). I hope that encourages some of those other people to do something spontaneous and silly too. I saw a sign once that said, “we don’t stop playing because we get old, we get old because we stop playing.” Maybe, and maybe that is why older parents seem younger than some of their peers. Or, maybe it is just because we have not been through those teenage years with our children yet. Who knows, but does “why” really matter.

This morning (Monday morning, while waiting for school to start) my daughter said to me, more of a statement than a question:

“I can’t tell anyone about yesterday, can I?” a small frown on her face.

“The skipping? Sure you can.”

Her principal was nearby; he was the first one she told. He pointed out that the security cameras probably caught us on tape. She smiled big at that thought.

There are several unrelated reasons why I am telling you about this. First, it put a smile on my daughters face and did not cost me a dime. She smiled when I started skipping, and when she joined me. She smiled when we skipped out of the store. She frowned a little when she said she shouldn’t tell anyone, but the smile came back in spades when I said she could, and even grew as she told her principal about our escapades from yesterday.

I also believe doing silly, unexpected things with people you love not only makes them smile (or should), but it strengthens the bond between you and them. I know it does for me. I can remember telling a story about my grandfather at his graveside. There were people, who did not appreciate me telling such a story at such a somber moment (I wrote about this in my e-book A Grandfather’s Legacy), but I saw a few smiles and it made me smile again. I think my grandfather understood my tears, but I also think he would have liked the smile that was there too. I hope that when my daughter stands at my graveside she remembers skipping through Target with her daddy when she was 7 years old. I hope that a little smile accompanies her tears as she remembers that moment.

We will all die one day, and some of you believe death is the end, there is no afterlife. I believe in an afterlife, you do not have too, but I do. Even if you do not believe in an afterlife, your influence does not stop at the grave. You still love the people you have lost, that does not end at the grave.

One of my favorite authors, Robert Fulghum, has this quote from the storytellers creed in a note to the reader at the beginning of his book “ALL I REALLY NEED TO KNOW I LEARNED IN KINDERGARTEN”.

“I believe that imagination is stronger than knowledge.

That myth is more potent than history.

That dreams are more powerful than facts.

That hope always triumphs over experience.

That laughter is the only cure for grief.

And I believe that love is stronger than death.”

Amen, Mr. Fulghum. I did not ask his permission to include that, but in this case I do not think he will mind (hey I’m not making money on it, and maybe some of you might check out his books too).

My daughter knows both of her great-grandfather’s. My Maternal grandfather died in 1977 and my paternal grandfather died in 1995. Elizabeth was not born until 2005, but she knows them both very well. She has seen their photographs, my maternal grandfather’s gold pocket watch, and the small table that sat in my grandparent’s house since before I was born (it now sits beside my bed). She also knows what my grandparents kept in each of this small table’s two drawers.

But those are just symbols of the man, something we can touch, something they touched. More important than the “things”, she knows their character. She knows you tell the truth and do the right thing, even if you have to pay a price, because it is good and right to do. She knows that my grandfathers did this and taught me to do this. She also knows some of their failings as men. No one is perfect. But, what she has learned from them, through me, is that when they made a mistake they did not let the mistake define them. Their mistakes did not become their new character, they apologized when it was called for, and held true to their integrity.

Elizabeth knows her great-grandfathers were great men (though neither of them would consider themselves great men). She has received a great gift from her relationship with them. Their gift to her is a knowledge of the greatness within herself, compassion for others, and permission to be an imperfect person. She knows that it is ok to try and fail, but we should never stop trying. She knows that when you tell the truth or do the right thing, you do that for yourself and the people who love you, as much as for other people. This is why it is important to do the right thing, even when no one is looking. She got all of that from two men that she will never be able to hold hands with, but she holds them in her heart.

When you see the influence these two men have had on my daughter, can anyone say they are dead? No, they will live in the heart of Elizabeth all the days of her life. So it is with those people around you, your friends, family, and people you will never be able to hold hands with. Do not doubt me; I know I am correct about this. You see your own faults, and sometimes that is all you see. Others see your gifts, strength, and heart as well. Even if I am wrong about you (and I am seldom wrong about people, a gift from my grandfather), you can do something about that. Tomorrow has not yet happened, and you decide who you will be tomorrow.

Next year will be a year of great opportunity for you. There will be trials, but learn from them and move on as quickly as possible. Thomas Edison said he did not fail at making a light bulb 1000 times, he just learned 1000 ways not to make a light bulb. I promise you (and I never make promises), whatever your new career is next year, you will become the success you were always meant to be long before you go through 1000 learning experiences.

Just do not forget to be silly once in a while along the way. It lightens your heart, puts a smile on your face, and makes memories for people you will never get to meet. Happy memories, memories that will make it possible for those people to go through their learning experiences and become the people they were born to become.

You are great and no one is insignificant. Be thankful in this season of thanksgiving, I am. I am thankful for my grandparents, my daughters, my friends, all those I love greatly (and the ones I do not love greatly), and I am most sincerely thankful for you and the time we spend together for a few minutes on Sundays.

Have a great week and thank you.

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